Nothing's helping. I can feel myself slowly slipping away into God knows what. Sometimes I think I'm going mad. I hate being locked with my thoughts. I haven't touched a drink for five days - sobriety is driving me insane. I need someone to be with or else I might do something crazy. These days the things that enter my head scare me. They leave me afraid and at the same time thrilled.

I started hearing voices about a month ago - when I began that dumb eight day drinking spree. I think it was during the third day and I was with my cousin trying to sleep the alcohol away when I heard voices talking to me. They were voices of people I know telling me stuff that I've heard before. Now, even when I'm not drunk, I sometimes hear voices but I can't make out what they say. The scariest is when I only hear laughter.

I think I'm slowly losing my mind.

This place is transforming into something alive. I can feel the walls breathing - trying to tell me something. When I can't bear being inside the house, I go out and sit at random parts of the garage and try to purge all thoughts from my head. It never works. I keep thinking and thinking... and I can feel something breaking inside of me. Like my soul is trying to escape my body.

On top of all that, I keep having strange dreams and all of them involve my ex-girlfriend. Several times she was the focal point of my dreams but when she isn't, she just makes a sudden appearance. Once, I had a dream that I was water. A flood, actually. I was racing through an unknown street bowling over anything that stood in my way when I suddenly couldn't move. I couldn't flow. Then I saw her walking out of a dark alley holding a purple umbrella in her right hand and her left hand clasping the hand of a black mass shaped like a man.

And that isn't the only time I've encountered that black mass shaped like a man in my dreams.

Sleeping terrifies me now. Every night I try to keep sleep from getting a hold of me but I always lose. My dreams are getting more bizarre every night. Most of the time I try to keep from sleeping by standing up. I go to my window and look at the trees and try in vain to spot some gruel crime that only I could see. I fell asleep twice standing up.

My stock of alcohol is wiped out. I just checked. Fuck. I really need a drink. I can't calm down.

I hate how looking at your picture makes me feel like I'm the biggest zero on the planet.

I just finished reading a book and just when I put it down, rain began to pour outside. A light rain that I couldn't see out the window but could hear. Just as I was beginning to put some bizarre meaning to the sudden occurrence of rain and my putting down the book, the downpour stopped. I am going to check outside now to see if the ground is wet.

It is wet.

I haven't been able to talk with anyone today. I guess everyone is busy with work or whatever. What's new? Well, nothing. Really. I had my dreams invaded by her again and maybe that's part of the reason why I'm feeling so desolate today.

I have two other books waiting to be read upstairs but my mind is wandering too much for me to focus on reading. I'm also afraid of running out of books to read. I'm broke and I don't have enough money to buy a book and sustain my vices at the same time.

It's funny how all of the paragraphs in this entry of mine beging with the letter 'I'.

Green Thumbs

From your mouth I plucked flowers
and strung them about
your jet black hair
In turn, you drew a leafless tree
from my barren heart
and planted it firmly behind you
I drew you close to obscure my sight
I tasted coffee on your tongue
mixed with a lust sharper
than a sword,
more poignant than any word I know
I opened my eyes as we locked lips
and stared at the flowers

I swear I saw my name on one of the petals.

Then, swift as the kiss came
so did my desire leave, replaced
with a grief so profound
I had to stop.

The lonely tree leapt back
in my heart
its branches bearing the
letters of your name.

I'm just re-posting from Facebook.

( A Separation in Four Parts )

Last night I had a dream and you were in it. You were wearing that shirt that always exposed enough cleavage to stir my loins into a frenzy. I asked you if you loved your new guy and you said no with a chuckle. Then I asked if you still loved me and you said no without hesitation. In my dream, I smiled at your reply and I proceeded to touch you in the secret places that I knew would get you hot.

You gave off a throaty laugh and pulled at my neck to kiss me. That was when I woke up. It seemed so real. Your smell was permeating my messy room.

The last time I saw you was about a month ago and I remember that you wore a pair of sexy red shoes that went extremely well with your black pants and black shirt. You looked every bit the heart breaker. I could have loved you with a force that would rock the cosmos. I did...and you know that.

A few minutes ago, I lit up a cigarette and thought about my dream. I knew I shouldn't have so I occupied the few remaining seconds following the smoke waft through the air with my still sleepy eyes. I cursed myself for letting my guard down for an instant and thinking that I want you back. I know better than to dance that dance again. Maybe it's just your absence but I felt leagues better when you were with me and together we conquered the lonely streets.

I can't understand
How the rain falls exactly
when I need it to

I'm drunk again and all I can say is woohoo let's go party!

I got piss-ass drunk again last night. Again, I made wrong decisions which would probably cost me in the long run. It sucks when your friends slap you in the face with every hurt you unconsiously dealt them through the years because you were so blinded by a love that turned out false. It sucks but as they said, "Tough love, Jong."

I am sorry for every single thing that I have done in my life. Right now, I need to be by myself. I'll stop the excessive drinking, the constant hanging out, the pity parties that I seem to always start...because I have to learn to deal with my issues by myself.

I always thought that I was better than everybody else - it turns out that I'm not. I have a lot of catching up to do with the world. Someone told me last night that I have to start loving myself because for the longest time, I gave myself body and soul to one person. Now, that person is gone and I cannot go back to who I once was. I have to change. I have to stop wallowing in the past and drowning my sorrow with wine.

Life is different now, I thought I held all the cards but I didn't. I really have to purge myself of everything bad and start building myself from scratch. I'm terrified because I don't know where to start, but I'm sure I'll get there eventually. And when I do, please forgive me for what I may become.

My 7 day drinking spree has come to an end today. I think I've maxed out the time I can spend with my friends and the depths of my wallet too. I'm afraid that once I'm left alone, in the house, with no friends to be with me physically; I'll revert back to the weak and pathetic heartbroken boy I was a few weeks back. I don't want to be that way ever again!

Calling all friends! Let's hang out! Let's party! Let's raise a big middle finger to life while wearing silly grins on our faces! God knows I need that right now.

I've never felt this amount of murderous rage inside of me right now. I feel like I am about to explode sometime soon and unfortunately, I do not know where to direct my anger. To whoever is the fucking culprit behind this seemingly elaborate setup to rattle my romantic life: I will find you and I will make you regret that my name ever crossed your sight.

It always feel strange when I find myself, during the quiet moments of any day, bitching in front of the computer screen - complaining about the current situation of my life and the unsolved equations that seem to bore themselves deep in my head. That's the way it is, I guess, being twenty something and directionless. The days and nights of staring blankly at nothing in particular or this supine existence become a ritual.

The way that ennui adopts a serpentine quality as it slithers into my system is an unfortunately regular event. I was immensely saddened when I discovered that I cannot live in the moment as I had in the early days of my youth. I always wonder where I am headed in my life, but my (too analytical, too pathetic) musings never get me anywhere. They always just leave me at the here and now (and most recently, at the "then’s".)

Burrowing into books, reading into literary illusions of how I wish my life is, is a temporary crutch that I am loathe to disown. I find the certainty of a story's ending enviable. But the ironic part is that whenever I finish a book, the finality crash lands into me and the impact is nothing short of heart breaking.

I don't feel like I am the protagonist of my life anymore. I have no idea how I am to wrest the reigns from something that I cannot even comprehend. Something that cannot even be named (it's not depression; it's something worse ... or maybe better?) Maybe the best course of action is to ride this storm out …though I have no idea how to navigate this vessel that is me.

She said it's over and closed our book yesterday. I had about a hundred thousand things to say but nothing that would make her stay. Yesterday was bittersweet - it was one of the best dates we ever had and the saddest one because it was the end.

She knows all that i have to say. I understand you when you reason out you need growth. I understand that you need space for yourself. I understand that you have to search for that something you feel is out there for you. I understand that you want to find your life's focus again. But what i don't understand is why i have be to cut out of the picture. (Maybe i do understand a little, but my heart cannot take the ache.)

I was a big believer in the notion that love conquers all. Well, my belief has been dashed on the stones of separation and my naivety shattered like cheap glass. I still hold on to my belief in fate though, even if it is foolish of me to keep on believing that you'll be back someday.

It is rather stupid of me to extract promises from you to come back. But what can i do? I love you so much!

You were the turning point of my life. You showed me a new world full of smiles and happiness. It is weird ending on a good note. And weirder still ending at all. For days i have had this hole in my heart. Sleeping in as much as i can to keep the pain at bay. And yet, i do not beckon nor beg you to come back because you say you need this.

If only life were much simple as "i love you and you love me". I do not know what will happen now. The mere thought terrifies me to the bone. I never thought that love can destroy a man so.

To YOU:

-please finish your thesis so you can graduate and start your career

-please dont drive inebrieted

-please never forget that if ever you need company, im a text and 20 mins away

-always hold on to our memories, because i'll surely hold on too

-take care of yourself, you sometimes have self-destructive ways and i tried my best to protect you

-i love you more than life itself


If and when you feel complete, just give me a holler. And i'll run to wherever you are, sweep you off your feet again - and love you like there's no tomorrow.



Que siempre te amare....

R.I.P
Ceska and Jong
The Fairy and the Knight
June 3, 2004 - OCt 30, 2008

This afternoon my stupid fucking ipod just went dead. (Not dead exactly, it keeps on displaying the "Connect to computer. Restore with iTunes." error message but the snobby iTunes doesn't wanna fix it.)I've been trying to resurrect it but all my efforts yield nothing. I guess I was sorta expecting this because I've heard that an ipod's "lifespan" is about 2 years only and I've had this 'pod since June '06. Im going nuts here! I've been scouring the net for remedies to this problem but all of 'em don't help. Stupid stupid apple!

I used my psp as an mp3 player for the day. I'm not accustomed to having a limited amount of music to listen to. *sigh* I guess I'll just have to get (save money first!) a new player.

Badtrip talaga. Puta! Ayoko na ng ipod! Stupid fucking thing.

-Wasteland-

These barren arms are nothing more than
dry husks waiting for rain
to seep through the cracks
and revel in a life long gone

There is nothing more in this
arid soil than a desire - and
if you would kindly traverse
the wasteland of my body
that desire would be sated

The desiccation of my self is a
slow and sorrowful process
much like the sun set
the sun set found in your eyes

Champion me and travel through me
Leave your footprints on the tips of my toes
to the strands of my onyx hair
and then,
when you have won,
rest yourself on my lips

That is where I want you most

-jong

(this one doesn't have a name yet..)

I am leaving this noose on
not because I am addicted to the pain
(though the suffocation sometimes
has it exquisiteness)
but because my neck is bare of adornments

I am leaving this thorn on my neck
not because I suffer from some outlandish illness
but because the itch has become a crutch

I am leaving this chair vacant
the space around it has cheapened my soul
Dangling salvation a few inches from
where my restrictions stand firm

I am leaving this flesh, this lonesom skin
and meander through night's cruel gaze
to be what we were:
youthful and invincible.

-jong

Today, I was smoking outside the office building and I was listening to my "space out" song (Thrice's "RED SKY") and i saw a newspaper floating high above the towers of Ortigas. Strangely, something within me stirred. For a long time I have put a cork on my artistic side, but that moment made me feel so guilty for having took a time off from writing.

Now I know not to ridicule that guy who filmed a paper bag floating in the air. (From the movie "American Beauty")

Un lang naman. I'll try to write in my little book later. :)

A friend I met on the beach died today. Her name's Abby Parong and she died in a car accident this morning. We weren't really close friends, but for the past few years ive been to the beach she was there. We drank together a couple of times and i remember teasing her and my cousin (because he really liked her). She died this morning in a car accident. It just depresses me how life can be snuffed out in a snap. She was my smoking buddy at the beach and she even let me bum a few sticks from her. I was shocked to find out she died this morning! Anyhow, I T R I E D to write a poem about her but I guess my skill for wordsmithing is leaving me swiftly.


it was by the sea she was birthed
and she bridged the divide between
shore and saltwater

she braved the waters every morn
with only the wind as her cloak
and the ocean's embrace
her only need

the sea wept when she heard
her final gasp

It's puzzling the way life bores the hell out of me sometimes. I know some of you have felt this feeling at select moments of your lives but with me, it's kind of a recurring nightmare. I hate feeling like this because I know I am too young to be this way. This is how it happens, days crash into each other so seamlessly then you'll just wake up from whatever reverie you were in and just feel pure detachment from your current routine. Okay, not detachment, maybe more like oh i dunno BOREDOM.

Fuckin sad. That's what registers in my mind fifty percent of the time I look at myself in the mirror. AND to top it all off, I seem to have misplaced my vocabulary and talent of stringing up words! NO, I AM NOT BAITING FOR PRAISES (though they would certainly help much) I have tried picking up the pen to attempt to weave poetry again. But they dont graduate from being mere ATTEMPTS. Fucking fucking shit. FUCKING FUCKING FUCK!

I want to write good again, nowadays I feel like im only pretending to be a poet.

/rant.

I want to be the battery charges up your smiles.

I know both of these stories aren't that good but writing them has been very fun for me. I dont write stories much but here ya go....

( Here's the second one )

oh, and it's still untitled! so, HALP!!!!!